In this edition around DEALING WITH UNWANTED BEHAVIOUR AT HOME, we’ll look at:

• What’s the issue? – a guide to some of the most common behavioural issues in children.
• Why Do Children Misbehave? – understanding some likely reasons behind the behaviour.
• Routine and Consistency – systems that you can put in place to support your child.
• Key Strategies to Manage Unwanted Behaviour – some top tips for supporting children to respond more positively.
• Resources and Signposts – where to look for help, advice and guidance.

WHAT’S THE ISSUE? COMMON TYPES OF UNWANTED BEHAVIOUR WHICH PARENTS AND FAMILIES EXPERIENCE WITH THEIR CHILDREN

Dealing with some challenging behaviours presented by children is a natural and normal part of parenting.  So what are some of the most common ways in which unwanted behaviour presents itself in the home?

• Outbursts: These can be physical or verbal and may be short or long-lived. Children may swear or scream, punch, bite or kick. They may also be tantrums, which are not always confined to toddlers – even older children have tantrums!
• Oppositional Behaviours: Some children may challenge your thinking or rules by doing the exact opposite of what you have said or instructed.
• Sexual Behaviour: As with any other part of physical, mental, social and emotional development, sexuality develops and matures at different rates for different children. This usually occurs within age-appropriate phases (see NSPCC resource below), however some children may behave outside of this for a variety of different reasons. These may include: anxiety, curiosity, a learning disability, early exposure to inappropriate content or a past-traumatic experience.
• Substance Misuse: Children, especially as they get older, are likely to see adults using legal drugs such as cigarettes or alcohol, and they may be tempted to try these themselves. Childhood vaping is now seen in approximately 1 in 5 children between the ages of 11 and 17 (source – ASH, 2024), with some starting earlier.

WHY DO CHILDREN MISBEHAVE?

‘Why are you doing this?’ is a common phrase uttered by many parents and carers across the country! Understanding why your child may be behaving in the way they are is the first step to helping the child to begin to make good choices.

Reasons for a child to misbehave may be complex, and could involve more than one of the potential reasons below. Key to helping you to work out why your child is behaving the way they are is to talk to them and consider the various possible reasons. Try to step back and notice any patterns which arise:

1. Lack of ability to express emotions: Behaviour is ultimately a way in which children are communicating to you. They may feel unable to express their emotions as these are intangible for them, they may not have the vocabulary or they may not want to get anyone in trouble etc. Whatever the reason that they cannot express themselves, it is important to recognise that the behaviour they are exhibiting may be a result of displaced anger, anxiety, shame, fear, embarrassment or any other emotion.
2. Diet: We have all experienced or are aware of a sugar ‘high’, but have you considered the effect of your child’s diet on their behaviour? What had they eaten before their outburst? Do they regularly drink fizzy pop or eat ice-cream before bed? A balanced, healthy diet not only impacts positively upon a child’s health physically, but mentally as well.
3. Tiredness: We can all become more grumpy when we are tired, but children are often unable to identify and articulate this. Try to notice when your child’s outbursts or unwanted behaviour occurs more often – is it at the end of the school day? Or in the evening? Or as soon as they have woken up in the morning?
4. Learning Difficulties: A child’s learning difficulties can impact upon their ability to communicate with you about how they are feeling, which can then lead to frustration and the child lashing out. This may also be true for those children without a severe learning difficulty, but who are just struggling to keep up at school.
5. Wanting attention: This is a common reason for many children, but particularly if a new sibling has arrived! The older child may struggle to adapt and may begin to use behavioural means to drag you away from the baby! This may also be true for a child who just needs a little more of your time for one reason or another.
6. Testing boundaries: It is a natural part of growing up to test the boundaries and limitations of the world around you, this is how we learn, grow and develop. It is therefore inevitable that there will be some challenging behaviour demonstrated by your child for no other reason than that they are simply testing their boundaries.
7. Peer-pressure and friendships: A child’s interaction with others is a tremendously important part of a child’s life, and the importance of this increases as they develop towards the teenage years. This can, on occasion lead to negative and unwanted behaviour choices, as your child wants to feel socially accepted and liked by their friends. Friends may encourage increasingly daring behaviour and could make fun of those who do not engage.
8. Boredom: The school holidays can loom long and tedious in a child’s eyes! Expecting a child to be able to entertain themselves or to spend a whole day watching tv or on screens, is not realistic or healthy. If your child is bored, don’t be surprised if they begin to play up to get your attention!

RULES, ROUTINES AND CONSISTENCY

Setting clear boundaries, rules and routines can be hard, and ensuring that these are maintained and are applied consistently can be even harder! However, an important part of childhood development is being able to grow up in a safe environment. Rules, routines and boundaries don’t just restrict us, they also enable us to test ourselves in a safe way. In other words, if there are no or few rules in the household, it is unlikely that the child will feel safe. As parents however, we also need to be adaptable – rules which were perfectly adequate 6 months ago may need to be reviewed as your child’s needs change – and involving your child in this can be extremely effective.

Some of the most important areas in which we can establish rules and routines are:

• Bedtime – sleep is crucial for your growing child, so set up a clear routine. Have a clear time when they go to bed, so that your child knows and understands the expectations.
• TV and other screens – phones, I-pads and computers are a necessary part of modern life, but they also allow potential access to inappropriate content and can play a part in mental health concerns. These devices need to be managed by you – are the parental restrictions on your TV accounts up-to-date and appropriate? Are there clear rules about how long your child can be interacting with screens? Are devices limited?
• Food and Diet – Thinking about how, where and what we eat can have a big impact upon your child’s health. Consider the language we use around food – is this positive? Do we restrict how often we have ‘TV dinner’?
• Outdoor safety – rules and routines are necessary for your children to explore the outdoors, so embedding a routine or rule is a crucial part of their journey to independence. These may be around road safety, playing with friends, or where they are allowed go for instance.

As with many things, consistency is key here, so make sure that all of the adults in the house agree to implementing these rules and routines.

KEY STRATEGIES TO MANAGE UNWANTED BEHAVIOUR

Dealing with your child’s challenging behaviour can be exhausting – especially when we’re trying to juggle the numerous demands which are placed on us! Let’s take a look at what we can do to deal with this a productive way, which can support our child to grow up understanding the difference between right and wrong, and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

• Modelling – children copy their parents and families from a very young age. Try to model appropriate conflict resolution yourself and, if they are a little older, talk to them about the challenges which you face and how you resolve it.
• The Power of Positivity – look for anything that your child does well and recognise it. The more positive comments that a child hears about themselves, the more emotionally resilient they are likely to become in the future. If they feel good about themselves they are less likely to lash out.
• Avoid any form of smacking – smacking has been proven to be a less effective parenting tactic than positive reinforcement in the long term. Ultimately, by smacking your child, you are teaching them that hitting is ok.
• Create a culture of talk and communication – look for any opportunities to encourage your child to talk to you, or, if talking is difficult, design opportunities for your child to be creative and talk about that. Creativity is often a conscious or unconscious method to communicate feelings. If your child feels that they can effectively communicate with you, then they are less likely to resort to more negative methods.
• Trust and child involvement – if your child is old enough to be involved in some of the decision-making about their rules, and the reasoning is discussed with them, then they are far more likely to respond to and abide by rules and expectations that you set. Similarly, if your child feels trusted and respected by you, then they are more likely to treat you in the same way.
• Lastly, seek professional help if needed: If you are concerned about your child’s mental health and understanding of the impact of their behaviour, speak to the pastoral team within your school or reach out to the GP.

SUPER RESOURCES FOR YOU TO USE AND TO SHARE

• NSPCC – Positive parenting | NSPCC Learning
• ASH (Action on Smoking and Health) – Report on childhood vaping, 2024 – Use of vapes (e-cigarettes) among young people in Great Britain – ASH
• NHS – Dealing with child behaviour problems – NHS
• Young Minds – Challenging Behaviour | Parents’ Guide To Support | YoungMinds
• NSPCC – Age-appropriate phases for sexual behaviour – Sexual development and behaviour in children | NSPCC Learning
• Parent Talk – Challenging child behaviour, understand and manage behaviour
• Young Minds Parent Helpline – 0808 802 5544 (confidential advice, support and guidance)